Porsche! You’re going in timeout! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times, no setting Guinness World Records for speed inside the house. You’ve injured your brother and now he’s crying, and I’m just trying to get dinner on the goddamn table. Now, you sit there and think about what you’ve done. When I tell you not to rough house and carry on in the house, I mean it, mister!
Porsche’s electric Taycan Turbo S is an incredibly quick car. It’ll shoot away from a stop quick enough to shuffle your grey matter around in your skull, suck your eyeballs back into their sockets, and disorient your face a little bit. Putting your foot down in a Taycan Turbo S is like clicking an Amazon Prime one-click button to order 60 miles per hour. It’s picked off the shelf, packed into a box, and delivered to your primary motor cortex quicker than you’ve had time to really consider whether you really need it, or can afford it.
It feels like sneezing in reverse.
Because of that ridiculous instant go, Porsche thought it would be a good idea to set about breaking a land speed record; albeit an unconventional one. The previous indoor land speed record stood for eight years as Mikko Hirvonen went a tick over 86 miles per hour in a Cross Kart back in 2013. Porsche found a massively long convention hall in Louisiana, slammed pro driver Leh Keen in the driver’s seat of the electric Porsche, and let him rip.
Keen broke that record by a staggering 16 miles per hour, tripping the timing beacons at an impressive 102 miles per hour indoors. Even with tire warming blankets and the grippy optional summer tires Porsche slapped on the car, that slick painted surface looks super sketchy.
Keen stated to the Guinness World Records officials, “It truly was like ice—and you’re accelerating flat out, facing a really hard wall at the end. Suddenly, even in a massive space like the one we had, it seems very small.”
Okay, yeah, I’m impressed.